Saturday, December 24, 2011

Loss and the Holidays

I don't have a very long time to write, as I am at my in-laws with a little down time. I wanted to take a little time to talk about dealing with people dealing with loss around the holidays. For a majority of people, the holidays are seen as a time of family, fun, and celebration but for many people, holiday celebrations are just a reminder of the loved one whom they may have lost. It's important that we give people space, acknowledging their loss, but still not alienating them if they should still want to celebrate. In my experience, people who aren't grieving may have misconceptions of how the bereaved person should cope. Some want the bereaved to "get over it" and join in the fun, while others assume that the bereaved will not want to take part in anything even remotely associated with happiness or joy.

I played at a memorial service for a client who I had only seen once (in which she was unresponsive), so I did not have the opportunity to build up a great relationship with her. Her daughter, however, wanted me to play at the memorial service. When choosing music, she said she wanted celebratory songs and at least one Christmas song. I chose "Away in the Manger" because of the last verse: "Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay close by me forever and love me I pray, bless all the dear children in thy tender care and take me to Heaven to live with thee there." I thought it was very bold to want a Christmas song and, as I was playing it, I could feel the tension in the room. It's very hard to reconcile the joy of the holiday season with the grief of loss and it's something that thousands of people struggle with every year.

I guess the point this little story is this: Don't assume that everyone is having a "merry" Christmas. If you know someone who is grieving this holiday season, don't assume you know what's best for them.

I hope everyone reading this has a very blessed Christmas and peaceful New Year!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Early Christmas Gift

I wanted to take this blog post to talk about one of the greatest moments of my life: becoming a father. My wife and I had a baby girl named Maren on December 4th. That day was one of the happiest days of my life, tied, of course, with my wedding. My wife was a champ and gave birth without any pain medications and the result is this beautiful little girl. She was about 2 or 3 hours old when this picture was taken.




Of course, music had a big part in the birth. It was the first time I've ever tried to put together a string of songs together for relaxation that lasted more than an hour. In fact, I wanted to make sure I had enough, so I had 13 hours of songs on my iPod, ready to go at a moment's notice. My wife's preferred music when she needs to relax is acoustic music, so that was a must. It was pretty easy to find a lot of acoustic music, but there was one caveat. Given the fact that she was going to have the baby without the assistance of any pain medication, I knew I wanted her to feel empowered by the music of strong women. That made the playlist a little harder to negotiate. We have several days worth of music on our computer, but there was a limited amount that fit that description. Eventually, I had to relent and use some male musicians as well, but always tried to intersperse them between females, and never more than 2 or 3 in a row.

Aside from choosing the music, I also helped my wife try to relax during contractions, which became increasingly stronger. Much of what I did was take her through short breathing cues and used positive affirmations to encourage her. That, coupled with me timing the contractions, seemed to help a bit. Generally, my talking went like this: "Okay. Take big, deep breaths from your belly and focus just on this one breath. 15 seconds. You're doing great! Just take it one breath at a time! 30 seconds..." and would continue for the rest of the contraction, which would usually be a minute. Obviously, I was not at my absolute best, but I can't help but think that my music therapy experience helped quite a bit.


Overall, the birth was a great experience for my wife and me. Labor was 11 hours with only about 20 minutes of pushing. We were able have an experience that we set out to have. Most importantly, by the end, we had a beautiful daughter!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Story: Unusual Christmas Request/Response

First off, I want to apologize for my little hiatus lately. Suffice it to say that my wife and I have moved and are having a baby in the very near future. Now, I'm going to try to get back on track.

I had an interesting experience yesterday while doing an assessment. For those of you who aren't familiar with a music therapy assessment, this is what music therapists use to assign goals and objectives for their clients. I assess four different needs to find appropriate goals: social, spiritual, physical, and emotional needs. I usually don't know what I'm getting into right away when I start an assessment, which can be a challenge for me as an introvert. I have to meet new people, figure out how to interact with them, and decipher how I can best help them. This can turn out to be an interesting experience, as this particular story indicates.

I met the gentleman on hospice care who I was assessing and he was basically unresponsive. His wife was sitting in the corner of the room, not by the bed, and I could sense that she was understandably very anxious with the situation. She did not seem to know what to do with herself and vented her anxious energy through talking very quickly and at length with me before we started the assessment about the food that people had been bringing her in the hospital for support. At this point, I was a little worried that I wouldn't actually get to play any music for my client because she would take up too much time. However, I was able to corral her thoughts to music. I mentioned that, around the this time of year, some people like hear holiday music, but that I had other styles like country, hymns, jazz, and traditional folk music. She said, "I don't think he's going to make it to Christmas," and began to choke up. I said, "Well, we could bring him a little Christmas now, if you want to." She jokingly inquired, "You have 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer'? We used to laugh every time that song came on." I did have that song, but have only played it a handful of times for the clients who I know wouldn't be offended by the song. I responded, "I sure do! Want to start out with that one?"

As I started playing it, her mouth began to curl into a little smile, but with very mixed emotions. Her face clearly showed her emotions, but they were very mixed. She seemed to enjoy the song, but then grew sad at the fact that he would not be able to laugh with her when this song came on anymore. She began crying and got up to hold his hand. She sat in the chair near the bed and stroked his hand, cried, and rested her head on the side of the bed. Her grief was evident, but still restrained. At one point, the clients' eyes fluttered a bit as she was talking with him and it filled her with such joy. I told her that the sense of hearing is the last to go and that I'm sure that the client loved to hear her voice. She began talking to him between verses of songs that I would play and it became this beautiful sharing moment between this old couple, these old friends.

Processing the session afterward, I was trying to pinpoint the moment when she began to open up, express her grief, and share with the client. I realized it was during that first verse of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." I would never have chosen that one to kick off the assessment and realized that no other song would have granted me access to that response. No other song would have conjured up such an experience for my client's wife. No other song would have started the process of grief and sharing that I had just witnessed. As I thought of the session, I was reminded that music carries its own powers and emotions, and I am simply there to facilitate that process. I think it was a good lesson for me to learn again. I guess music can do a lot without my help and sometimes, I just need to get out of the way and let it do its work.