Just a Rose Will Do

A few months ago, I introduced the song "Just a Rose Will Do" to a client of mine. Since I've known her, she has been very spiritual and I spend a lot of my session listening to her talk about her faith and how it has helped her through all her struggles. I usually just listen and facilitate her discussion with songs that tie in with her conversation. With all her talk of the afterlife and faith, she never really planned out any of her memorial service. I thought that this song may be a good segue into that conversation. She took to this song very quickly and it soon became the song we start each session with.

In our session this week, she was pretty tearful. After this song and several other hymns that she enjoys, she would be wiping tears from her eyes. She's been on our services for quite some time and has just continued to decline, but very slowly. I wonder, however, if she knows something we don't. This session, after "Just a Rose Will Do", she began to talk about her funeral, specifically the music. She has group/congregational music planned out already, but asked that I sing it as special music.

I'm honored to do it. Obviously, the "event" has not been planned yet, but I think it's very important to plan these things out. In parting, I want to post the lyrics of this song, written by Porter Wagoner, as some food for thought. What do you want your funeral to look like? It's not morbid or depressing, it's a way for you to choose how your loved ones remember you.

When time shall come for my leaving  

When I bid you adieu  

Don't spend your money for flowers  

Just a rose will do. 

Chorus: 

I'll go to a beautiful garden  

At last when life's work is through.  

Don't spend your money for flowers  

Just a rose will do. 

I'll need no organization  

To make a bid to-do,  

I'll need no fine decorations,  

Just a rose will do.  

Just have an old-fashioned preacher 

To preach a sermon or two 

Don't spend your money for flowers 

Just a rose will do.

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Play One More

I have an incredible job and have such a unique opportunity to help people. Oftentimes, I get the chance to help people, but they don't realize that I'm helping them. This week, I got a referral for a hospice patient who has a history of refusing visitors and sending people out who actually get in to see her. She lives at home, so you can assume that she's pretty feisty. Obviously, I felt a little trepidation about going there.

She lives pretty out of the way and I had tried to to contact the daughters who help her out to schedule a session, but was unable to get a hold of them. I decided to just stop by and actually found her while she was awake and both daughters were there. Still, it was not certain that she'd let me visit or let me stay. I cautiously said, "I came to see if you'd like some music today." She shrugged her shoulders as if to say, "I don't care." The most important thing on her mind was getting her blood pressure medications and I was just someone in the room. I began playing some music, country music that she enjoyed listening and dancing to, and I could see her demeanor change. She began making eye contact with me, tapping her toes, and eventually I could see that she would let me stay. We switched to a few hymns when she looked at me and said, "How Great Thou Art." I began playing that and she even sang along. I played a few more hymns and, as I was packing up, she said, "Play one more." I looked at her, aghast, I'm sure, and said, "Sure! I can play one more." We sang "How Great Thou Art" again and, as I left, she shook my hand and gave me a big smile.

It was really neat to see how music was able to connect us. She has such a hard time connecting with a lot of other people, but when we shared music together, she connected immediately. Music, especially when people are singing together, seems to create very strong social bonds and may not be achieved without music. I invite you to think of, and share, a time when music formed friendships between you and someone you had never met before. I know I have plenty of instances, but I would like to hear yours!

Grief Group Self-Review

Yesterday, I led a grief group in place of the bereavement coordinator. I haven't led a group for quite some time, and had never led solo. I wanted to just talk a bit about what I did and what I would have done differently.

I started off with "The Rose", which I did some research on. Apparently, the song was voted #83 of American Film Institute's "100 Years of the Greatest Songs" in 2004. This song was written by Andrea McBloom, but was made famous by Bette Midler. Other covers done by Conway Twitty, Leann Rimes, and Westlife.

I sang the song and we talked about different lyrics of the song that stood out to them and compared them to their grief journey. It turned out that this song was used for the funeral of the mother of one of the participants, so it already carried quite a punch. We talked about the lyrics and it sort of went on a few rabbit trails after that. I tried to concentrate on coping strategies, especially when they talked about being angry or depressed. At the end, I tried to lead a relaxation exercise, but it didn't really work out very well.

I think some of this next section may be due to walking into a new group. I had never met any of these people before and some of them had other issues that they were dealing with. I try not to blame others, but one lady in particular tended to dominate the conversation, which was actually a bit of help at first. In the end, however, I wish I had attempted to take a little more control so I could include others, one in particular who didn't actually say anything. Another thing I would have liked to see happen is some realizations toward the end. I understand that everybody works at a different pace, but I felt as though the participants were more depressed when they left.

Despite this, I do feel that there was a lot of great sharing. My intentions were good and I felt I did stay mentally present throughout the entire session. I felt that I was able to take a tangents and connect them to some lessons that I've learned working with patients. I especially tried to show that they were very connected through their grief and I encouraged them to lean on each other when they are feeling depressed or needed to talk.

I guess that's all I have. Sorry for the ramblings, but this blog is great for me to process how things went. That's important for anybody to do.

First Mom, Now Dad

I have a little extra time tonight and, although there are other things I could be doing, I felt like writing a bit tonight. It is rare for me to do a mi-week post, so I hope you enjoy it.

Today I did an assessment with a gentleman who has quite a remarkable story. He's actually the husband of a client I had last summer, but only saw once. Apparently, the client told her daughter about me and the daughter was there today. She was excited to meet me, share in this session, and tell me about her father. The client is a member of a small Christian congregation that is very conservative ["They make Baptists look liberal"], small ["They meet in each other homes, like Amish"], and pacifist. Despite all this, the client is fiercely patriotic and served as front line medic and dentist in WWII. He refused to carry a gun, but still wanted to serve his country. He did this all on an 8th-grade education. At one point, the battalion he was with overtook a Japanese village. As they were basically making POW camp, he met and talked with a young man of the village that caught his attention as a bright boy. He convinced his CO to let him take this 16-year old under his wing and tutor him. He taught the boy to be a medic, and now he's a doctor in Japan. He still keeps in touch with my client, calling almost everyday to check on him once he heard of his hospice admission. Now, it was my turn to take care of this man who saved this young man's life.

He was very anxious and agitated. I played some traditional folk for him while his daughter held his hands, waved them around like dancing, and clapped them together. This engaged him in the music, which I'm not sure he would have done without his daughters' instincts. I gradually slowed the music down and he began to calm down, eventually falling asleep. As his daughter, son, and I talked, he began to rouse, in much high spirits than before his very short nap. Then I used the music to give him a little energy. I started playing more uptempo tunes, always trying to keep him engaged and redirect him whenever he began to become anxious. By the end, was calm but not too lethargic, which was great to see.

There was a moment that I loved seeing during the session. The daughter, admitting that she is a "crier", was wiping tears away at one point and the client inquired, "What's wrong?" She stated, "I'm just a little sad." "Why?" "Because you're sick." "Don't worry about that. Don't you have a job to do?" "I do, Dad. It's taking care of you." "Well, thank you."

I don't think I need to say much more about the session. I think that last little conversation sums up the session quite well. It's so special to be able to see those memories take place and makes the work worth doing.

You're Getting Sleepy

I think today I'll take some time and do a little bragging. This is WAY outside my nature. My general viewpoint is that I'm average at best and downright pitiful at worst. I've begun to notice a few talents of mine, however, and I'd like to take this post and illustrate one of them.

I am pretty good and getting people to relax and fall asleep. I cannot say that my success rate is 100%, but I think it may be close. My daughter usually will fall asleep shortly after I begin rocking her and humming, which I find refreshing. Usually, I have no idea what to do with her [although I am getting better], but when she's tired but won't sleep, I can jump into action. I've noticed I have the same effect on clients at work, as well. This week, I went to see a few people who were pretty confused and agitated. It can be very hard for someone who is confused to relax. Imagine feeling or knowing something is wrong, but not being able to tell someone what it is. Quite frustrating, I'm sure. Both clients agreed to a music therapy session, but it quickly became apparent that they were too agitated to have a positive conversation. I was able to redirect them enough to close their eyes while I sang. I'd say something like, "I am going to play a song for you, now, and I'd like you to close your eyes and listen to the words and tell me what you see in your mind." They would agree and I'd go to work. Both of them had fallen asleep within about 20 minutes.

I have a few techniques I use to get this, which I will divulge at this point. I feel my guitar playing is fairly adequate, in that I feel comfortable finger picking, so I generally play songs with long chord progressions. Holding chords for a long time can let those tones, especially the deep tones on the E and A strings, ring out. I try to match my voice to that feeling, but I do not force the breath into the notes. It's more like breathing into the notes, not using my breath to project the notes. I've read a little about this technique in some music therapy journals [some of them you can read about here], and believe it fits under the technique called "Toning". I do need to do more research to verify that, however. The songs I choose need some fairly obvious characteristics, like a predicable melody, harmony, rhyme scheme and a slow tempo. I also like to insert improvised interludes where I will sing a variation on the melody, but on an "ah" or "oh" sound. I find that humming closes off the sound and people cannot hear me [which is not always a bad thing, I suppose].

I think a portion of this comes fairly naturally to me, but it definitely helps that I started a relaxation group during my internship. There are many different techniques to use when it comes to relaxation, but this is one way that I can use it on the fly for people who are confused and anxious about something. I hope this post is helpful to other music therapists and interesting to everyone else. I hope you all have a relaxing weekend!

Thoughts on Funeral Music

I had the pleasure of meeting a new client this week. I'm an introvert by nature and usually do best when I work with people who are outgoing. Probably a majority of the time, however, people expect me to "entertain" and that requires some level of outgoing-ness. I have been learning to be better at pretending to be an extrovert, but my strength is still being introverted. This Monday I met a lady, who I would not call extroverted, but perhaps she and I managed to find a balance. As we were getting to know each other, she mentioned that she knew she was not doing well, because her daughter had asked her, "Are you ready to go to Heaven?" Although I do not think that she will die within the next month or so, it is a valid question. She discussed how she felt about this question, which lent itself well to a segue into funeral planning. She mentioned that she had a few things planned, but not the music. We talked about it, and next time I visit, in the next week or so, I'll bring her a few songs that she thought she might enjoy as funeral songs. One she thought of is "There is a Green Hill Far Away", which I posted below.

It is interesting to think about how you may want people to remember you by. I can rarely recall the homily at a memorial service, but I can usually remember the songs for a while longer. Because music has such an emotional effect, people generally will remember and recall that. So many times, I've heard people say, after hearing a hymn, "That was played at my mother's [father's, sister's, etc] funeral." The music you choose can really be remembered.

I've thought of this often as I have grown. Call it morbid, but that is something I've thought about it. At one point, I wanted "Alive" by P.O.D. [perhaps, ironically]. Now, I really have no solid ideas, but the styles of music I listen to have changed dramatically. It's interesting to think about what I will want when the time comes to plan.

As the client I talked about before and I learn new music, it will be interesting what themes emerge. Will it be a theme of forgiveness, celebration, salvation, grace, or something else? We will have to see!