Just a Rose Will Do

A few months ago, I introduced the song "Just a Rose Will Do" to a client of mine. Since I've known her, she has been very spiritual and I spend a lot of my session listening to her talk about her faith and how it has helped her through all her struggles. I usually just listen and facilitate her discussion with songs that tie in with her conversation. With all her talk of the afterlife and faith, she never really planned out any of her memorial service. I thought that this song may be a good segue into that conversation. She took to this song very quickly and it soon became the song we start each session with.

In our session this week, she was pretty tearful. After this song and several other hymns that she enjoys, she would be wiping tears from her eyes. She's been on our services for quite some time and has just continued to decline, but very slowly. I wonder, however, if she knows something we don't. This session, after "Just a Rose Will Do", she began to talk about her funeral, specifically the music. She has group/congregational music planned out already, but asked that I sing it as special music.

I'm honored to do it. Obviously, the "event" has not been planned yet, but I think it's very important to plan these things out. In parting, I want to post the lyrics of this song, written by Porter Wagoner, as some food for thought. What do you want your funeral to look like? It's not morbid or depressing, it's a way for you to choose how your loved ones remember you.

When time shall come for my leaving  

When I bid you adieu  

Don't spend your money for flowers  

Just a rose will do. 

Chorus: 

I'll go to a beautiful garden  

At last when life's work is through.  

Don't spend your money for flowers  

Just a rose will do. 

I'll need no organization  

To make a bid to-do,  

I'll need no fine decorations,  

Just a rose will do.  

Just have an old-fashioned preacher 

To preach a sermon or two 

Don't spend your money for flowers 

Just a rose will do.

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Thoughts on Funeral Music

I had the pleasure of meeting a new client this week. I'm an introvert by nature and usually do best when I work with people who are outgoing. Probably a majority of the time, however, people expect me to "entertain" and that requires some level of outgoing-ness. I have been learning to be better at pretending to be an extrovert, but my strength is still being introverted. This Monday I met a lady, who I would not call extroverted, but perhaps she and I managed to find a balance. As we were getting to know each other, she mentioned that she knew she was not doing well, because her daughter had asked her, "Are you ready to go to Heaven?" Although I do not think that she will die within the next month or so, it is a valid question. She discussed how she felt about this question, which lent itself well to a segue into funeral planning. She mentioned that she had a few things planned, but not the music. We talked about it, and next time I visit, in the next week or so, I'll bring her a few songs that she thought she might enjoy as funeral songs. One she thought of is "There is a Green Hill Far Away", which I posted below.

It is interesting to think about how you may want people to remember you by. I can rarely recall the homily at a memorial service, but I can usually remember the songs for a while longer. Because music has such an emotional effect, people generally will remember and recall that. So many times, I've heard people say, after hearing a hymn, "That was played at my mother's [father's, sister's, etc] funeral." The music you choose can really be remembered.

I've thought of this often as I have grown. Call it morbid, but that is something I've thought about it. At one point, I wanted "Alive" by P.O.D. [perhaps, ironically]. Now, I really have no solid ideas, but the styles of music I listen to have changed dramatically. It's interesting to think about what I will want when the time comes to plan.

As the client I talked about before and I learn new music, it will be interesting what themes emerge. Will it be a theme of forgiveness, celebration, salvation, grace, or something else? We will have to see!

An Impromtpu Memorial

This week's story is one that really caught me by surprise. I came to a facility just in time to see one client before it was time for lunch, so I chose who I wanted to see. I was a little disappointed when I found out that he was getting a bath right before lunch, so I was unable to visit with him. I had another person in the facility, however, so I went to visit her.

This client, who I'll call Susan, is relatively young for hospice care, in her 60's, and easily converses, which is something I don't see all the time. I started the session much the way I usually do, silently reassessing her needs as we catch up. She said she had a headache, which is common for her diagnosis, but is also a sign of stress. I also noticed that she was knitting, which is not out of the ordinary for her, but she seemed to be a little extra shaky. Without a real reason for it, I asked how her family was doing, and that question opened the door to what was really bothering her. "I got a phone call about 10 minutes ago," she told me, "and they told me that my last aunt died of pancreatic cancer last night." She went on to explain, becoming tearful as she spoke, that her family had always been close and that she had lost her parents and all their siblings in the last decade. Susan's aunt had been the last of that generation to die and the funeral was too far for her to travel.

Grief is a reaction to loss, and Susan had lost a lot in the death of her aunt. She lost the last remaining member of her parents' generation. She lost someone she loved very much. She lost a sense of hope, that is her aunt could miraculously overcome her disease, then Susan could overcome her's. I sat there and listened to Susan pour out all these emotions, this intense grief, and wanted to help her. But, what do you say? What can you do? Distraction/redirection wouldn't take away this issue, so I saw no other option than to address it directly. I quietly asked, "Would you like to have a memorial service for her right now, right now? Just the two of us?" She agreed and we started out upon this impromptu memorial. Susan is a very spiritual person, so she started off by praying, and then I played "Amazing Grace" and "As the Deer", two songs that Susan finds very meaningful. I then encouraged her to talk about her aunt, a eulogy of sorts. During all this, she was very tearful and I just sat and listened. I tried to be fully present in her grief and listen quietly. After she wanted to stop talking, I played "On Eagle's Wings" and "You Raise Me Up", which I tied in with her eulogy. After those songs were done, she prayed again. Her headache was getting worse [it was time for her medicine again] and it was time for lunch, but she thanked me profusely for visiting. She said, "I can't believe you came when you did. God really was looking out for me today. I only got the phone call 10 minutes before you came. Thank you so much." With that, we parted ways and I'm sure our minds wandered on to something else, me to my paperwork and Susan to her overwhelming grief. But, for that hour, we were both present, sharing grief and stories, together.

I usually don't have a perfect idea of what will happen in a music therapy session. I usually have to be flexible and quick-thinking. This session, however, completely blindsided me. I had no idea what I was walking into and, if I would have known, I may have done a few things differently. I think, however, that this is one time where the bulk of what I did was what I needed to do for her. I do not claim to be the perfect music therapist, but it feels really good when I get something right and can help someone like that.

Fall Memorial Service #1

On Thursday night, I participated in a community memorial service for one of my offices and I just wanted to do a little recap and reflect on it.

I did a few prelude of a few songs. I did "Sand and Water" by Beth Nielsen Chapman and "In My Life" by the Beatles. 

For the service itself, I did a few songs that I wrote. One of them was "I Know", which I posted about in an earlier blog. I prefaced it by talking about how, as hospice workers, we truly care about how the surviving family members cope and that we cared deeply for our patients. I did another original called "Taking You With Me", which is about how people who have died live through our memories of them. They live through thoughts, love, and moments they they've shared.

After the service, a few people came up to me and asked if I had CDs to sell. It meant a lot to me. More than last year, especially. Last year, at this time, I had only been seeing clients for about a month, so didn't have strong relationships with the families yet. This year, however, I recognized a majority of the people who attended as they were families of clients I saw throughout the year. My emotions were also touched more, because when people talked and cried about their loved ones, I knew and could still visualize those people. It was hard to sing, especially "I Know", without crying, but I managed to get through it.

Overall, I thought that there was a lot of good sharing and transitioning at the service. I also enjoyed the chance to reconnect with some of the families that I had grown close to over the last year. I hope that next year, I will be able to still be a part of this great company and helping make the lives of patients and families more special and enriched.

Memorials

As the end of May grows closer, I notice my schedule being inundated with a kind of appointment that usually shows up in force one time a year. Yes, my friends, memorial services are being planned and people want us, as music therapists, to provide the music for the event. I don't mind, really, because I believe my job is not to support only the clients in the time leading up to death, but also the clients' families and friends during and after the death. In nursing homes, where I have a lot of clients, people make friends, but the friends can rarely attend the funeral of someone if it means traveling outside the facility. Even if their physical mobility and mental status allow them to attend, they need to find someone to bring them, because most residents do not have a driver's license any more. The facility rarely has enough people working on a shift to spare some to make this trip and the families of residents often have their own lives that are dictating where to be and when to be there. This leaves the friends of clients at the facility, unable to have the closure and ritual celebration of life that often comes with a funeral.

As I'm working with activity coordinators in facilities, I often hear that people want a song or two that are simply reflective and will only be sung by the music therapist. This is understandable. Sometimes that songs that seem to connect to the level of grief of the residents are not songs that are well known. I always try to choose songs that express a level of grief and, when I do more than one, to connect to different levels of grief.

Throughout the year, I try to listen for songs that may be useful in my work with hospice, especially memorial services. I decided I would post a couple songs on this blog that may be useful to others that I feel are fitting memorial songs that people may not know very well, or know at all. When people don't know a song at all, I find, they listen to the words more closely, so the words may be that much more powerful.

Here are three songs I plan on doing at one memorial service. I may post some more as I see them. 

Oh, My Brother - Eddie From Ohio (album: I Rode Fido Home)
    I couldn't find a youtube video for this song. Really great song about supporting each other through hard times. Also talks about saying goodbye, which would be a good talking point if you speak before or after songs. Even if your loved one isn't here to hear it, it's important to say goodbye.
http://www.last.fm/music/Eddie+From+Ohio/_/Oh+My+Brother

I Find Your Love - Beth Nielsen Chapman (album: Look)
     From a whole album written after her husband died. This album chronicles her journey of grief and is really beautiful. Any song from "Look" would make a great memorial service song. In my internship, they did two community memorial services each year and the one I worked on used only songs from Beth Nielsen Chapman

Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Israel Kamamawiwo'ole
     He was a big guy with a big heart. I really love his music. This video was made after he died and you can see them pouring his ashes into the ocean.